An open letter to an Ex-Best Friend

I have tried a million times to reach out to you. I have contacted every person I can, to get to you... but you refuse to reach back to me. I realize it is time for me to let you go - but this is a feat not to be accomplished without first getting a few things off my chest, and out into the Universe.

They were intended to come as a handwritten letter in your mailbox, addressed directly to no eyes but your own ; but as this is an apparent impossibility - here, I suppose, will have to do.

You've left me no other choice.

Will you, someday, see this? Will you reach out to me...someday?

If you won't - if you don't - at least I know I tried everything I could.

Perhaps a friend - or a friend of a friend - will recognize our story, and reach out to you. Maybe they will let you know this is posted ; and you'll read it...and you'll miss me too.

Or perhaps you'll never even know it exists.

...but it does exist. It's right here. I'll leave your name out, but you will know who you are.

An Open Letter to an Ex-Best Friend :

What happened to us?

Was I the "toxic person" that everyone in your life told you you needed to dump?

Was I your energy vampire?

I have thought about this so much over the past couple years. I convinced myself I was for a really long time. Its why I've waited so long to send this. Why I've written and rewritten messages to you a million times - and always end up deleting them.

To be honest, I'm still not sure that I am NOT that vampire for you...

But I had to write. I had to reach out ; if not for anything else, than to get some shit off my chest. To stop letting you - of all people in the world - be the metaphorical elephant constantly restraining my breath.

I had to, if I ever have hopes of finally getting over you.

Getting over us.

You were my greatest loss.

Not D or D - not M.

Not any of the plethora of fuckboys and girls I used to get over myself and whoever I was miserable about at the time.

Just you.

Lovers are replaceable. Best friends are not.

I still spend at least a few minutes almost every single day thinking about how much I miss you. How much I miss your outrageous, insatiable laughter. How much I miss our weekly date nights, consuming every single one of the best burgers in town, and gossiping about the bullshit that was daily life. I miss our blunt cruises around Tinkers Creek, and Hidden Valley Ranch. (It doesn't matter how much I miss the creamy, dreamy, most delectable of dipping sauces...I always buy Kraft now. I avoid Flamin Hots, Funyuns, and grape soda too.)

I miss your rambunctious enthusiasm for life, A. Your positivity. Your always clear head, and good heart.

I miss everything.

I miss you.

The worst part though - the part most miserable for me ; I miss my rock. I leaned on you for every dumpster fire moment of my life, for over a decade.

Every heartbreak.

Every bender.

...and maybe that's why you left...

Maybe that's what you just couldn't take anymore.

My downward spiral into apparent oblivion.

The fucked up life I continuously kept choosing for myself.

The total shit show I had gotten so comfortable and complacent in.

And now, it especially sucks because I don't have you to share in all of the victories and accomplishments that are finally happening for me. A, you wouldn't even recognize me anymore.

Literally. I shaved my head and had to get glasses.

But that's not even just it.

It's not just physically that you wouldn't recognize me.

You wouldn't recognize my life anymore at all.

I didn't just go back to school, but I graduated with my Associates almost a full year early - and with Honors. I'm currently on track to have my Bachelors as early as I had my Associates - and I've been accepted into their Honors program as well! I even just had my tuition proposal accepted for an Astrology program outside of my regular course.

(...I wrote a tuition proposal. Could you imagine that a decade ago?)

I left the kitchen life, along with all of the substance abuse that comes with that lifestyle...I'm nearly sober these days. You have never met sober Kari ; she's pretty cool. It's been awhile since I had seen her - but she's back, with tremendous power, and an insane ambition.

I write now. I spill every heartfelt emotion onto the page. I pour my horrible, terrible history into beautiful pieces of personal memoir. I'm even working on a few books - both fiction and not. The one I am most proud of is titled "The Memoir of a Heart Well-Broken" ; where you don't just have your own chapter, but you're half of the story.

I'm going to be a journalist, and a novelist.

An Astrologer, and a lifetime student.

I remember the months leading up to you blocking me.

I asked you so many times if we could get together. I told you so many times how much I missed you ; that I needed you. Everytime you responded with "I have to do yard work." Once, I hadn't even mentioned a date, and your response was the same. "I'm busy with yard work that weekend." The last post I remember seeing was you guys on vacation with friends on a weekend you told me you "have yard work."

Then you just disappeared...

...a ghost.

Like ... if I did not have 10 years of photographic evidential memories - I could almost believe our entire decade long friendship never even happened. Like it was all just in my head - none of it was even real. It was all just a dream.

I don't get to have a best friend anymore. I barely WANT friends at all. No one lives up to the standard you set. And the thought of someone else leaving - like you did - like a ghost - makes it not even worth it. I'd rather have no one. The heartbreak isn't worth it.

...but I still miss you everyday.

...and I will forever.

I am so sorry for every time I have hurt you, and put myself before you. And I am sorry for dragging you into my shit show life.

I'll leave you alone now.